Rough Week

So many things buzzing around in my head this week. In the interest of full disclosure - this is going to be a massive brain dump...bail now if you don't want to read a wall of text.

Let me start out by saying that I have pretty much been an emotional wreck all week...only I was trying to hide it from myself so it ended up with me just being particularly grumpy and generally difficult to get along with all week. I hope my children forgive me. I think this week is always going to be a hard one...I will get to why in a minute.

Tuesday was a roller coaster. I ended up working from home so I could do Lyssa's hair for her school program and then attend it. She was dead set that her hair had to be curled that day and it was heartily agreed upon by all that having Matt attempt to wield the flat iron was a bad idea. After getting her out the door I used my 'lunch break' time to go on a run with Heidi. It was lovely and therapeutic and just generally a good time. She was patient with my wimpy-ness on the hills. (No stretching after the race on Saturday made for sore legs on Monday!)

Fast forward to a few hours later. As I was working through a bunch of e-mails, I got word of some org changes at work...with some possible GRAND benefits to my current workload. A quick phone call with the boss and Hallelujah! I think I might actually be able to breathe at work again. We will have some transition time, but holy Hannah that will greatly reduce my stress levels! Jumping for joy!

Fast forward again and I get to go to dinner with my awesome friend. The first thing she does when we get seated is hand me a tiny box with a tiny bow. Inside is one of the most thoughtful gifts I have ever received - a beautiful tree pendant with my parents' birthstones dangling from the top.

Why so significant? This week was the second anniversary of my dad's death...She remembered and that means the WORLD to me. I have worn the necklace every day and, strange as it may sound, it has helped me through the ups and downs that have come as the week progressed.

Wednesday was date night with Matt. It was so nice to have a couple of hours of time together. I'm trying to enjoy every single minute of the time we have together until he switches schedules. This is going to be a big craptacular change come the start of the new bid. Now we know what we are missing on this whole semi-normal family schedule business, going back to the old passing each other in the night schedule is going to be even worse.

I managed to squeeze in another run with Heidi on Thursday morning. My whole day went so much better and I know it is because I got to run.

Friday...ah Friday. The official anniversary of Dad's passing. One of these days I need to write down everything that happened that day, but I can't quite bring myself to it yet. It stings too much. I thought all day about him...different things, memories, fun times, the day he died, just a big jumble. I know I was extra somber at work and got more than one strange look. Several times during the day I just sat and stared into space or rested my head in my hands. The emotions are so close to the surface, sometimes it is really hard to keep it in.

I stopped to get some flowers for my mom on the way to pick up the kids. The girls had mentioned wanting to get some for her as we were getting ready that morning. I found some that were blue - Dad's favorite color - and knew that they were there just for me. We decided to go to find the waffle truck this year instead of IHOP. (Dad loved breakfast food!) and had a nice, yummy dinner.

I'm trying to make the day a day to remember the fun things and reminisce instead of being sad. I really hope that it is sinking in for my kids. It's still hard for me, but I think over time it will get better.

Even though we got home late, I decided to go for a run. I didn't leave the house until 8ish and had been planning on making it my longer run for the week, but it didn't quite work out that way. I was so preoccupied with all the stuff jumbling around in my brain that about half way through I managed to turn my ankle on a good sized rock running down one of the bigger hills. Fortunately I didn't biff it, but I came close. I was still able to run on it, but it felt funny and sort of out of whack. Because of that and the fact that it was getting really dark, I cut the run close and didn't quite get 5 miles out of it. Bah.

Saturday was my niece's wedding. Busy, busy day. We had to be at the temple by 7:30 which meant waking up the kids super early. All I wanted to do was sleep... but It turned out to be a beautiful day (especially in contrast to the crazy weather last Saturday). The ceremony was lovely, the bride was lovely and I was happy to be there supporting my family. I really struggled at the end of the day though. There were too many parallels between what was going on and my own experience with my dad. When they had their father/daughter dance at the end of the night, I finally lost it. My poor brother (not the one dancing with his newly married daughter!) was stuck with me when it happened. I could not stop crying. Emotional basketcase right here! We left late, but saw this on the way out the door...

I vented like crazy when I got home. Poor Matt. But he was patient and kind and listened to all my crazy talk that probably made zero sense. I had really wanted to run, and probably needed to, but ended up calling it a night.